well, I really wish that I would have written sooner but I guess the lack of blogging is a sign of good parenting. So much to catch up on though...

July 27th- I went in to the hospital to be induced. I arrived at 8AM. There were few rules to live by.. no eating, drinking & only 3 people allowed in the room. Jean, Mom and Andreas were there to lend me support. So they took my information and began a Pitocin Drip at about 9. My nerves were wild. I assumed it would kick in fast and I'd have my baby by 4pm .. BOY, was I mistaken! We hung out for a couple hours..at around 3 Jean and Michele left and it was Andreas and I left watching the clock, television and nurses coming in and out to check mine and the baby's pulse. They had this elastic contraption around my stomach to track the fetal pulse. Of course with contractions coming and going, and my moving around, the elastic kept moving and would interfere with a steady pulse. So nurses came and went, I was allowed to receive a morphine drip, which just made me feel loopy but it also took the edge off of the contractions. By 8PM i was only 4cm dilated. Jean and Michele went home to await our phone call on progress. At 9:30 my water broke. I always pictured my water breaking and it being a gush and done kind of leakage. No, it kept coming and coming and coming. I was mortified and since I was all hopped up on morphine, this leakage was basically the worse feeling. Plus I was hungry and thirsty. Ice Chips are not supplemental for being parched. By 10:30, I was 5cm dilated and I really wanted to get the epidural before it was too late. I imaged progressing through, and not being able to receive an epidural. So, I wanted to be sure to get it while I could. The pain wasn't even bad, I hadn't reached labor and the Morphine was just. It was a gamble. I received the Epidural and became instantly numb and uncomfortable. Not my cup of tea. It was what it was.

July 28th- by 2AM I was still 5cm, but the Doctor had said that the dilation process would speed up. I called our moms and they came in. Tick Tock Tick Tock... nothing! We all fell asleep for awhile and at 4:30 the monitors went a bit crazy. Doctors and nurses rushed in, they gave me an oxygen mask, checked my cervix, i was thrown from one side of the bed to the other. Apparently, the babies heart rate was dropping. So, they gave me an injection to make my heart race in hopes of the baby having the same reaction. I was still only 5 cm dilated and not in active labor. The baby was not dropping. It was time for a C Section. My fear becamee my hope. I just wanted  the baby to be safe and healthy.

5:00-5:30AM July 28th - They wheeled me in to surgery, with only two people allowed in the room: Andreas and Michele. I received another epidural and they began to cut me open. There was a sheet up so I couldn't see anything. I felt pressure and pushing... like the wind had been knocked out of me over and over. Andreas was next to me holding my hand, I was crying and worried about everything. I told him to look and watch his baby being born. He did, but immediately came back behind the sheet. Apparently, The doctor was tugging at the baby to come out and there was blood everywhere. He isn't too keen on blood. Later he said he saw my uterus on my torso. Yuck. Soon enough, we heard our baby screaming. (5:21) The nurse came over and said 'Guess what it is! A Baby GirL!' I was in shock, the only thing I wanted to hear was my baby scream. It was Love. They cleaned her up, Andreas cut her cord, and they brought her too me..still in her birthday suit.
'What does she look like?'
'Adia.'
Then they wrapped her up in a blanket and Andreas brought her to me. I kissed her and couldn't stop crying/smiling.
Unfortunately, I was in a lot of discomforting pain. I felt a lot of pressure on my chest, and was the thirstiest person in the world. I begged for water and they said I couldn't have anything until 8am. Great. But they knocked me out for the next 25 minutes to shut me up. I woke up at 5:55 to Andreas and my mom laughing at me, apparently I had been snoring.

They gave me Adia, and wheeled us back to my recovery room. My dad and Jean were there waiting. I was completely out of it. I was afraid of Adia and all I wanted to do was sleep. Everyone got their pictures and left. Andreas snuck me some water... Gotta love him! Then they brought us to the room I'd be staying in for the next 4 days. I was tired and Andreas was too. He went home to sleep and I drank my heart out and slept for awhile. Adia was in the nursery. The poor thing swallowed a lot of amniotic fluid and didnt' drink til the next day.

At 3pm I woke up and had them bring Adia to me. I am more of a hands-on learner and the nurses direction really didn't help me. It only annoyed me. They pushed for Adia to breast feed, which I wanted to do anyway. But she was full from aminotic fluid and eating wasn't her cup of tea due to the first feeding being disgusting. They shoved her on my breast, even though she was wailing. I couldn't deal with that. So I opted to pump. I pumped often and enjoyed it. Like I said though, she didn't eat until over 24 hours after her birth.

July 29th- Adia began drinking, I was up all day with her. Andreas' family visited, a lot of friends visited. It was a bit chaotic. Finally later in the day...after visiting hours were through. Adia and I bonded. I was up all night with her at my side. I pumped, she ate. I was feeling better, I could walk around and get up. Prior to that my abdominal muscles were all sore and movement was difficult. We cuddled and I discovered every inch of her all night. It was wonderful. I didn't sleep. And the next day was the same.

Thursday, July 30th- People visited and the nurses tried to get me to breast feed. Adia kept crying and I was not having it. My iron levels were low, so they processed a CatScan. I was ok though after vitamins were adminstered. Finally, Thursday night... I slept. I actually was OK with the nurses taking her to the nursery from 9pm to 3am Fri morning. Then I took her back and we cuddled and slept together. Very frowned upon, but I am a light sleeper so I had her in the bed with me. I didn't want to let her go. Both Wed and Thursday night, Andreas went home. I was depressed that he wasn't there. I felt lonely and scared, but excited to be with Adia. The hospital bed they had for him was very uncomfortable so I understood.

Friday, August 1st- We got to go home! I actually was mourning the loss of the hospital staff. They were amazing and helpful all through Adia's first couple days. But I was also excited to go home. Aunt Linda had a nice breast pump for me to use and that was very helpful. We had everything set up for baby at home. Andreas' parents brought us food and we were set. The day came and went and I was tired but happy. People visiting was probably the most inconvenient. They would come at times where I could have been sleeping. So, that was annoying.. but they all had presents and laughter, so I couldn't complain.

Month 1: I breastfed!, i learned on my own how to get Adia to latch on, and she wasn't screaming or anything. I loved the experience and I continued to breastfeed for two and a half weeks. But, it became difficult to keep up with her feedings and it was inconvenient to be depended on for such a big thing. I kind of regret stopping, but it has been great with formula. And she received all her nutrients the first few weeks. I transitioned into formula with one to two feedings on my breast each day. At night, she was on strictly formula. Breastfeeding also helped me lose weight. I lost the first 30lbs in a month and i have 10-15 to go still.. but I've been walking a lot so that'll be gone soon enough. The first two weeks I was a bit emotional. Baby Blues not Postpartum depression. I cried at nothing and everything. I didn't want to put Adia down. I had a hard time coping with her even being in the crib and not in my arms. Of course, this subsided... but still it was a weird couple of weeks. Andreas was worried about me... I knew I wasn't depressed though. But i felt lonely if I was only with Adia. I was a very needy firsttime mother.

We even took a family vacation to Shamokin... offroading. Adia and Alexis enjoyed this. Adia slept the whole time and Alexis helped with feedings. Alexis is an amazing big sister. She always wants to hold Adia, and feed her. She was more ready than I was! I hope Adia is just like Alexis, in the respect that Alexis is so loving and caring...and she isn't selfish or unkind. We are so lucky.

The second month I discovered Avent bottles, playcenters, binkies, swings and (unfortunetly) Noggin. These help me through the day when I need to get Adia to sleep, shower, do housework or just rest my mind. The last resort being Noggin. I'm not into putting my child in front of TV as a means of parenting but I can't say I hate it. Avent bottles are amazing, I used to spend 45 min to an hour feeding Adia, that is now down to 15-20 minutes. It also reduces gas and spit up. Binkies are the only thing that she wants when it's time for nap. Also, some bum-patting. Her swing is ok.. she is more into the play center. and she loves Noggin. who wouldn't?

All in all, Adia is an easy baby. She is down to a great routine and barely ever cries. Only if she is hungry or tired. and she is sleeping like 6-9 hours every night. She smiles sooo much and laughs a lot. She is a blessing.

We have a lot to look forward to and we have a lot to be fortunate of. More to come.

xoxo.

three days til my due date and i've got nothing. I am neither dilated or efaced. the false labor pains have subsided and i'm feeling pretty great.

i stopped getting anxious with every waiting hour. i quit lazying around, feeling sorry for myself because 'everybody else has a baby but me', and i began cleaning, swimming, walking, living!

I'm huge, and uncomfortable but i refuse to lay around anymore. It's disgusting. i'm really not sure how much nesting i can accomplish but i cleaned house 2x a week for the past couple weeks. somehow there's always work to do. I'm not a very messy person but the minimal clutter that became a part of my house, finally became a burden on my conscience and now has a home. Closets are reorganized and everything is well-stocked.  

so yaaay .

Also, we found a house and are putting our good-will deposit down with an offer tomorrow night. baby please wait, til friday... =)

And Andreas bought a great car Monday. He was seriously getting on my last nerve with car shopping and traveling millions of miles to see 'the car of his dreams' only to turn around because it wasn't perfect enough. All in all i am happy it took so long because the car we bought was only at the dealership for 2 days before we test drove it and put a deposit down. If we had not been there when we were, it would have been sold. To top it off, it's a freakin LANDROVER. ahhhh crazy, it has a tv in the back for the kids and mucho room. plus it's beautiful and i feel like such a yuppy inside it. which i am not. We're paycheck to paycheck people with some money in savings but seriously were poor and we drive around in a Saab and a Land Rover. But we have no debt so whatev.

we're beautifully laid back physically and mentally. we don't dress to impress or get hyped up in the trends. but why would we?

i'm freaked about giving birth, my induction date is July 27th so in less than two weeks i'll be going through labor. my fear is the only thing helping my impatience for the new babe. i'm afraid of complications and pain and pooping and crying and making weird sounds in front of people and what if i'm a terrible mother and what if the baby has something wrong with him or her. and i need a drink.

ahh for now i'll focus on optimism and peace and quiet.

Alexis is my fiance's daughter from a previous relationship, not marraige, relationship. She is going to turn 5 in August and I came into her life when she was 1 year and 10 months old.

I was 19, Andreas was 25.

When Andreas told me about Alexis, I was hesitant and excited at the same time. Excited about a little girl to be in my life, hesitant about the ex (we'll call her J).

My parents split up when I was 11 and they have only spoken to eachother in court since then. My step mother and my mom don't talk at all and my mother made it difficult for me to be close with my step mother.

I figured that unless a miracle occured J would probably act the same as my mother and I really couldn't be apart of that. Still, I stuck around to see what happened.

Once I met Alexis I didn't care what baggage came with, I knew I wanted to be in her life as well as Andreas'. She is a very smart child, with more affection that I have ever seen anybody contain. She loves everybody in her life and has a positive outlook on everything. She brightens up a room and makes it impossible to feel anything but happy and grateful with her presence.

So, the next step would be meeting J. yay. A child this great has to have a wonderful mother, right?

Wrong. She is a wonderful mother, don't get me wrong. But she a few years ago talking to her was nearly impossible and getting anything but sarcasm and a bugrudged attitude about Andreas was like pulling teeth. Rightfully so, I couldn't imagine handing over my child to another woman every other weekend, plus random times during the week. Especially when the woman is 5 years younger than her. Props to J.

As time went on, we talked more and even bonded a little. We definately have different parenting styles, lifestyles and attitudes toward life and whatnot. But we put Alexis first, and that is all that matters. I speak with J more than Andreas will. We make the drop off/pick up plans. We make birthday and holiday plans. She has two other children and during my pregnancy she was even there with hand-me-downs and tips.

We have had our differences but always come out on top. And we compromise for Alexis and as long as we are putting her first, things are great.

I would hope that anybody going through the situation of break up, stepmotherhood or having to hand off their children to a woman who your ex is dating makes it the best for their children. I will always remember and hate how my mother dealt with jealousy and how it affected my sisters and I. I can only say that I am grateful that I saw how bad it could be for children and that I got to make a difference with the same situation when it came to my life.

Even if it tears you apart inside to have to share your children, please make it ok for the kids. Cry when they aren't watching and take your anger out on a journal, vent to a friend or beat up a pillow.

I am marrying Andreas in September and Alexis will be our flower girl. She is very excited for our families to come together and we keep her included with planning and decision making. I want to have her stand at the alter with Andreas, the baby and I because our marraige is more than just for us. It is for our family and she needs to be in on that. It's her dad that I am marrying and she is just as important as him.